What I’ve Been Reading

I thought this post I would take a different take on things and include some of the books that I have been reading over the last couple of years. I have not included all of them but wanted to highlight some of the ones that really meant something to me. I have included the links to either the author website or their Amazon page. Please feel free to check them out. I will be reading them again soon.

The first book that I want to mention is “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers”. This is a book that was recommended to me about two years into therapy. By this time my therapist and I had built a very good rapport and we began to dive into a lot of the issues.

Before I explain what this book is about, I want to make one thing clear. Neither my therapist NOR myself, have diagnosed any of my family members. The resources that were given to be were based upon the conversations, situations or comments that were brought up during therapy with regard to situations that I had throughout middle school and beyond.

My first initial reaction hit me straight in the chest. The main question asking us if we will ever be good enough was a hard pill to swallow. From middle school into my early adulthood, this is how I felt. I thought that no matter what I did or how I acted, I would never been good enough. I ordered the book off of Amazon and started to dive into it the first night I got it. I have to admit, there was a disclaimer from my therapist that I may not relate to everything mentioned in the book, because the topic of abuse is brought up and that is not something that I have experienced.

I was however able to identify with a lot of other emotions presented in the book. While reading through, I completed the exercises that were suggested and did my best to follow their instructions and tips. I felt better, as if someone truly understood what was going on through my head. It was such a comfort in the validation that came from hearing other people’s stories.

If you are interested in learning more, I will include the link at the bottom of this post.

The next book is one that I jumped into when I started attending my church small group. It was the only one that worked with my schedule. Each Tuesday at 6:30AM we would meet and start out our morning in prayer and discussing our current study. I joined this group in April of 2015 and it was one of the best decisions I have made. I have met some of the most amazing Godly women whom I call sister.

When I started this group, they were reading “Biblical Femininity” by Grace Church. The entire book focuses around how women are image bearers of God and the feminine qualities of God that we reflect. Women are called to be “helpers”. Mentally and spiritually, I was not in a good place when I joined the group. I was separated from my boyfriend at the time whom I had selfishly hurt in the worst way possible.

I desperately wanted answers to my brokenness, to understand what had happened. It was there in those early morning studies that I came to find the broken pieces. This book not only explains how women were created to be helpers, but also explains how we can be tempted and what happens when we succumb to those temptations. As we started to learn and read about our core temptation things started to fall into place. I started to understand my role as a woman and even more, understand why things had happened the way they did.

Since the first time I have read this book, I have read it two times since then. It seems that the more I read it the more I get out of it. It was one of those books that turned on a light bulb for me.

There are other books as well, however I am going to include those in the next blog post, because those are written by the same author and have an overall theme together. I have included the links to the two books I have mentioned today. They are worth the read. I will be posting more as I’ve got a nightstand full of books that I need to start reading.

 

 

 

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karly McBride, Ph.D.

Biblical Femininity by Grace Church

Where does strength come from

Throughout my life, I have heard from several people, they can’t believe how “strong” I am. After grieving over the loss of two parents, I seem to hear it more. Each time people mention my strength, my response is very short, typically just a thank you. Honestly half of the time I have no idea where the strength comes from, it is just there. It got me thinking, where does our inner strength come from? Do we all have it? Of course we do. Obviously I wouldn’t be writing such a blog if I didn’t think everyone inside them had a warrior hiding inside just waiting to come out.

Just like everyone else, there are definitely days that I don’t feel strong, days where all I want to do is stay in bed under my thick down comforter and not move. Thankfully those days only seem to come around once a month or so but it doesn’t make those days any less real. Somehow I had to tap into my inner strength, something I’m still not 100% how to tap into but I usually made it happen. Sometimes it was because the right song came on at exactly the time I needed it, or because I had been listening to that particular CD on repeat. Otherwise it was because I hid my strength with anger and used the anger as motivation, that always didn’t end the best.

The bottom line is that I don’t have a concrete answer for you. I can sit here all day and tell you that you are amazing and can move mountains but that isn’t anything more than just sitting on Pintrest looking up motivational quotes, yes I’m guilty of that too. I am here to tell you that at some point in our lives we are given the challenge to step up for ourselves, or our kids and are forced into digging down deep to find that warrior. In everyone’s life we are giving an opportunity to crawl out of the depths of the darkest pit and become stronger than you thought possible.

Now would be the time that I say something inspirational like God doesn’t give you more than you can handle or what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. While I think those sayings have the appropriate context, now is not one of them. As helpful as those says are, sometimes it isn’t a comfort to know in the midst of the situation. It is okay to sit in the ugly dark pit, what I am telling you is to not stay there. Don’t allow the every growing void or dark abyss to consume you. Remember that time that you didn’t think you would survive but you did? That’s because your strong. Or that other time that you never thought something was going to happen for you but it did? That took a lot of courage.

Strength doesn’t come from anywhere, it is within us. During some of my weakest moments over the last couple of years, I clung to two Bible verses. The first is 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about  my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” These were the two verses that I clung too as my dad’s disease progressed. It is still some of my favorite verses.

It’s sounds counter intuitive doesn’t it? We aren’t supposed to delight in weakness or difficulties. There were several times while sitting in church that I have heard these verses, but it was until last year that I really understood what they meant. While I the disease was progressing and I was in SC while my dad was in MN, I had a great group of friends that would check in on me. Most of which were from my church small group. They asked what I needed and how to be there for me. I told them I didn’t want anything cliche, I didn’t need to hear the typical saying that are told to those grieving. I needed raw honesty, that the situation sucked and it was okay for me to feel all the feelings. They graciously agreed to my request and were exactly what I needed.

There were some hard days, really had days, even now some days are a struggle. As I look back and reflect on everything I still state that at my weakest, I was my strongest. My church small group would go to a local women’s shelter once a month and give a morning devotional. One morning this verse was on my heart, and I decided to share it and part of where I was in my journey. It was then that I realized that being able to admit that you are at your weakest or lowest is actually a sign of great strength. I’ll type that again just in case you didn’t catch it the first time. Being able to admit that you are at your weakest or lowest is actually a sign of strength. Boom. There it is. In it’s simplest form, true strength comes from admitting when you are at your weakness.

When we are at our weakness and we choose to reach out to others and ask for support or encouragement, we have cast aside our pride and reached out to make a deep connection with someone. That is strength. That takes courage. It definitely isn’t the easiest thing to do and sometimes even for me it’s a struggle but it is amazing to see what happens once you start asking for help.