My summer hasn’t started out the way that I had originally thought, however you’d think I would have learned by now that my plans never seem to go accordingly. Despite the rocky and emotional start to my summer, things seem to be turning around. I have made quite a few changes recently that have changed things for the better. I’m in a new environment during the day and have started working out again, for the first time in a long time its glad to be back in the gym.
I made a decision a few weeks ago, about returning back to Korea this summer. I don’t feel ready at all, emotionally I have been numb. At my summer began, the anxiety of going and the unanswered questions I was plagued with have been overwhelming. The trip itself to Korea seemed more daunting than anything.
Originally I was planning on meeting up some distant cousins. Thankfully they were understanding and are close enough to me now that I could take a long weekend to go visit them.
Right now Korea feels more burdensome than anything. I can’t explain why, but the thought of flying over there just depresses me more. Although contact has been made with the man who is presumed to be my birth father and his story is rather similar to mine, there has not been DNA confirmation that we are a “match”. Honestly at this point, I’m not sure that he is even willing to see if we are a match. The weight of the unknown is heavy and it has distracted me from a lot of things that I should have addressed before. Maybe it’s not anxiety, maybe it’s the fear of more rejection from this “family”, one that I don’t even have a real connection too.
Living through loss and rejection there is a fear that comes with putting your emotions out there. A fear that can stop you dead in your tracks turn your world upside down. Right now, staying state side, I am safe. I don’t have to prepare myself for most likely a less then perfect ending to my biological family search. Here I can remain in a state of fantasy where I don’t have to deal with the unpleasant emotions of more hurt and pain. I don’t have to worry about having more questions then the ones that have plagued me for years.
For now I am safe. For now I can breath just a little bit easier knowing that I haven’t crossed over that bridge yet. I am still planning on going back this year, however I still continue to procrastinate on having a definite time.
With everything going on in my life in the last couple of years, I have not had the opportunity to really get back to me. I feel as if my life has been nothing but a whirlwind the last 5-6 years. If I could hit the pause button right now and just take a moment to breath and recharge, I would.
I may be absent from posting from awhile. I am still working on the waves of emotions and pulling myself back together.