Category: personal growth

I’ll Give You An Out

I finally watched Grey’s Anatomy this week, my bestie called me and told me she needed to discuss the episode like usual and I needed to hurry up. Being the good procrastinator that I am, I waited a whole extra day.

I have never checked into a treatment center or psychiatric facility however the mix of emotions watching Jo walk into hit me hard. The hardest part was her giving Alex an “out”.

Like most adoptees, we have “outs”, whether we realize it or not, we always seem to have an escape route. Whether it is a relationship or friendship, we always, whether conscious or not, have an “out”. We have create a way to “leave” or “abandon” the situation without our pride or feelings being hurt, or at the very least, rationalization on why we have left said relationship or friendship.

Looking back through my life, I can see my “outs” or the “outs” that I have given or created for people, just like Jo. She tells Alex that she knows of his history, that he seems to always date “crazies” and that since they never officially filed a marriage license, that was his out. He doesn’t answer her. Some part of me knew why she did it, knew why she was pushing him away, why she gave him that out.

At an adoptee’s core whether consciously or unconsciously we are used to people leaving us and on some level we expect those around us to leave. We create these “outs” to “spare our feelings” to let people leave because that’s “what they do” but what if we let them leave or force them to leave because we devalue ourselves and don’t believe that we are worthy enough for love.

That’s a heavy statement. We have decided for ourselves that we are not worth someone else’s love. We have decided for them that we are not worthy of their love. I used to play it off, that I always had an exit plan “just in case” was it really just in case or was it because I had already decided that I was not worthy enough for what someone was offering me? That on some level I was in reality planning for my own self sabotage and self fulfilling prophecy. My creating the “out” or the “exit plan” it is only a matter of time before history repeats itself again and we spiral down only to feel miserable because we have created our own worse nightmare.

Knowing all of this, what does it all mean? Where do we go from here? Are we even capable to “stop” giving “outs” to people?

Personally I can tell you that I am fully aware that I self sabotage and I plan for an “out”. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m doing it to be smart or if I’m doing it out of habit. At the very least I’m glad I’m aware of it. I know the behavior exists, I know the consequences and sometimes I honestly don’t know anything different. Sometimes the compulsion is so great that I can’t even reason myself out of it or even stop the impulse. Being aware of it helps, talking about it helps. I have had plenty of conversations with other adoptees and they just understand. They get it, they know the similar behaviors and feelings and sometimes the best thing I do, is just talk about it with them and work through it. Maybe one day we can start addressing it head on and a better solution, but until then, talking with professionals and talking with other adoptees is the best that I have found.

Adoption Trauma…is it a Thing?

If you follow any part of the adoption triad organizations on social media there has been a lot of discussion regarding adoption trauma. Whatever your stance is on the issue, I can tell you first hand, that regardless of when a child is adopted, there is some trauma that occurred. There have been studies that have been shown even while in utero, “the human fetus is capable of auditory processing and in fact, is capable of processing rejection in utero.” 1 Once those babies are born and are removed from their biological mother, that newborn is unable to process the loss of their biological mother. There are other studies which state that our response to trauma is coded into our cells, that even as young children and even adults, our response to certain triggers is involuntary, we react by instinct. Sometimes we, as adoptees are unable to explain our behavior, if we recognize it at all. How can we recognize something that we aren’t even aware of? There are also studies that show that when a newborn or infant monkey was cared for in consistent and inconsistent intervals which concluded that those monkeys which were cared for inconsistently showed a higher rate of insecurity, lower social standing, anxiety and depression among other things. This study also mentioned that these monkeys who received inconsistent care were unaware and their reactions and stress were stored within their lympathic system, that with each situation of rejection or abandonment, it would bring the person back to the initial trauma and our body would begin to react on instinct, as it did during that first initial trauma. For us, that pain is real, each rejection we faced throughout our lives felt as if we were re-living that first instance of trauma over and over again.

The first time that I came across this information was 3-4 years ago. I was working through an abandonment workbook. The concept it was explaining was that in our limbic system we store our first emotional memories which is the foundation of how we eventually react to certain stimuli. The workbook continued to state that when we would experience rejection or abandonment or loss, our emotional response would revert back to the our “first” instance of that same emotion and we would emotionally respond based on our limbic system. We have already been “pre-wired” in the way that we respond. That we involuntary emotionally feel the way we did that first initial loss. Isn’t that amazing? This theory means that each instance of loss, we emotionally go back to that first instance and emotionally “relive” those emotions over and over.

This blew my mind. I couldn’t believe first, that our body was that incredible that we have the capability to store those type of memories, as I reflected back through the workbook it made a lot more sense as I look at instances of loss in my life. That being said, I believe adoption trauma is real, I believe that no matter the age or situation of the child, it is still “traumatic” to separate  them from a biological caregiver. Does this change my opinion on adoption? No, and even though I am an advocate for family preservation, I am aware that everything may not be so cut and dry, that there is some gray area.

I know that there are those that disagree with me, that believe family preservation is the only way, but I disagree, I don’t believe everything is black and white, there is some gray and this is one of those things that I believe there are some situations which adoption may be the best course of action.

 

Parenting as an Adoptee

Last month, I was supposed to speak at IKAA, an international Korean Adopteee convention. At first I was very excited to share my story, to speak on how parenting as on adoptee has impacted me, but the more I thought about the topic and the more and more anxious I became. I ended up not speaking, not because I didn’t feel that my story wasn’t relevant or because there was not interest but because I was not emotionally prepared to go into the depths of how parenting has brought so many adoptee feelings to the surface and how sometimes it’s a struggle to tell my story and not share the story of my daughter.

I see things that both of my children do, their actions, their mannerisms and their feelings and sometimes their feelings or behavior shake me to the core. I can see why one will do a certain type of behavior or make a certain comment and I am emotionally rushed back to a similar time when I was little. I am able to have more insight into the “whys” behind the behavior and be able to address it. It doesn’t it easier, sometimes it forces me to address some things from my life that I thought had already been addressed or I had forgotten about. It challenges me to look at behavior differently, to parent differently and to continue to grow.

Without my children, I would not be the person I am today. My life would be completely different and I truly don’t believe I would have addressed some of the things from my life had I not had either of my children. They will never know how much I have learned from them and I am so grateful for them.

Summertime

I know I have been MIA a little, but there are a few things in the works that I’m very excited to share. As some of you know, this summer I will be traveling back to Korea for the International Korean Adoptee Association Gathering, also known as IKAA. It’s a conference for Korean adoptees and their families. I will be speaking in one of the conference sessions about parenting as an adoptee. I have not been to this conference before and am very excited to meet so many other adoptees and see some friends as well. Truthfully, I am a little nervous because I am not a big fan of public speaking, never have been, so I guess I’ve got to start practicing and coming up with my outline.

It has been a while since I have updated you on my biological father, appa search. There really isn’t any new information, he has been contacted and has a similar story to the one on my Korean adoption papers. For a match to be confirmed, there will need to be a DNA test and from there it will be up to him whether or he wants to connect or not. For now, my emotions have calmed down a lot. I haven’t been as anxious as I have been and although I have so many unanswered questions, I know that whatever is supposed to happen will and me worrying about it won’t make it any better. For now, I am just focusing on my trip and my session preparations.

This weekend I will also be traveling to Atlanta to be interviewed by a fellow Korean adoptee for her podcast. Once the podcast is released, I will be sure to attach a link. She already mentioned that she will be taking the summer off and my episode will be released in the fall.

If there is any new information on my birth father search or the podcast episode, I will be sure to update everyone.

 

-J

Thoughts on Jo Wilson on Greys Anatomy

For those of you who have followed this season of Grey’s Anatomy you have slowly follow Jo’s story. From her very rough start of living out of her car, her extremely abusive ex-husband, to now where she is happily married, about to start a family and starting her birth family search. I wasn’t sure if Shonda would ever give us more of a backstory about her but thankfully this season we start to see Jo’s story and specifically her adoption journey unfold as she and Alex discuss starting their own family.

*SPOILER ALERT*

This past episode we got to see Jo after what seemed like a while to process the brief interaction between her and her biological mother. Over the past couple of episodes we have seen her withdraw from Alex and the rest of her friends, she hasn’t been work, drinks more than we typically see her drink and appears jilted, angry, numb and depressed. When she emerges from her bed and starts back working she immerses herself at work, continues to push Alex away and finally is confronted that she was drinking while in the lab.

The end of the show is an argument between Alex and Jo when he confronts her about her going to work drunk and she continues to push him away. By the end of the show, I could relate to Jo on so many different levels.

I have read a few comments from other viewers about how “Jo is the worst” and she is “always in so much pain…Alex doesn’t need her…she is so petty”. The review was hard to read because Jo is incredibly relatable to many adoptees. For those that have followed my adoption journey and now with the potential of reuniting with birth family, I can understand 100% why she withdrew from loved ones. I don’t agree with her showing up drunk on the job but the degree of her heightened emotions could cause people to do irrational things.

I’m sure the million dollar question is why did Jo withdraw and didn’t explain herself to Alex. As an adoptee, who has spoken with other adoptees, specifically Korean adoptees, some who have reunited with family, some where the birth family continues to deny their existence, some who are in process of searching and other who will never know their birth family and on some level we all relate. We all have this collective experience that is unique to us that we understand all the different emotions we experience as we walk along this journey.

There are times, I admit that I prefer to speak to specific KAD friends because of where they are in their birth family search, or because of other similar circumstances we have. I do not mean to withdraw myself from my other friends and loved ones, however adoption and the trauma surrounding adoption is something that we all KADs just understand. Some of these women that I have become close friends with I have only met a handful of times but on some level we just all “click”. We understand the struggles all of us have experienced and empathize in our current struggles of having our feet stand in two different worlds.

I am by no means excusing Jo’s drinking behavior or showing up to work drunk. What I am saying is that her portrayal of what adoptees go through during the birth family search is something ALL adoptive parents should see. Her story shows the darker side of adoption. As I have mentioned before, not all adoptions are happy endings, some have a very dark side. I am extremely grateful that Shonda is shedding light on adoptees, our journey, our pain, our struggles and has given us a realistic portrayal of us on prime time.

Monday evening, I finally got the courage to call the organization I have been working with. Unfortunately, the person who answered did not speak very good English so I will have to call back later this week. I am nervous and extremely anxious. I don’t speak Korean and having to explain where I am at in my search is nerve-wracking enough.  For now one day at a time, one step at a time.

 

-J

Korean Enough

Transracial adoption, a term that I had not used or heard of until several months ago. This term however describes me and my experience as an adoptee. If you are unfamiliar with this term “transracial” means that you identify as a different race other than your birth ethnicity.  For the most part KADs were adopted by white parents, so culturally we were raised white. I am not stating that this a bad thing by any means but many of us lost our ethnic identities, at times I know for myself that I had a difficult time accepting my Korean features.

I tried to diminish the fact that I did not look like my white friends  or even that I was a person of color. This especially was true when I started wearing make up. I can still remember in middle school reading the instructions that said where to put the different shades of eye shadow.  I laugh now but I cannot tell you how long it took me to figure out that I didn’t have a crease in my eyelid. For a split second I thought I had gotten some foreign makeup that didn’t understand that I was like everyone else.

In my attempts to find that “crease” in my eyelid my make up for awhile looked terrible. I had to figure out on my own how to do my own eye shadow because of my eyes. The attempts at having my make up done by friends or in a department store were out of the question. Most of the time I looked worse after someone else attempted my make up.

Within the last couple of years, I have noticed a shift. The more I started to look into Korea and after my first trip to visit there, the more I wanted to be able to exist in this world.It started slowly, I began to listen to k-pop and eventually started watching Korean dramas and I was officially hooked.

I started noticing that I exist in two different worlds which seem miles apart. It wasn’t until recently when the two worlds started to merge, how different they are and how to exist in both of them is a challenge. There are days where I am extremely frustrated that I can’t speak Korean or struggle with the fact that I’m “not Korean enough”. It constantly feels like that I have something to prove, even if it is only to myself.

Crossing over into Korean culture seems to present more of a challenge. Overall most KADs do not speak Korean and are unfamiliar with the culture this bridge is a little harder to cross. There are so many different things to “be Korean” and even then they can tell we were not raised there. From our mannerisms, clothes, hair, make up and for a lot of us, our inability to speak Korean most KADs could easily be picked out of a crowd of Koreans by Koreans.

There are some Koreans that are envious of us KADs because we can speak English like a native and can blend into American society without a second thought. I guess it’s funny to think about. There are so many traits that we as KADs seem to lack and yet we are envied by the very culture that we pine to be a part of.

What if we reframed the narrative? What if instead of stating that we exist in two different worlds, as transracial adoptees we accept the fact that we have become cultural “chameleons”. Meaning that we have the ability to move between different cultures, whether we are seen as “white” or people of color, we have the advantage to exist in these two vastly different worlds. Instead of focusing on what we “lack” we instead remember that there are two cultures where we can exist. We tend to focus so much on what we are lacking that we forget to acknowledge our advantages to existing in these different worlds.

While also changing the narrative and reclaiming our identities as adoptees, what if we also acknowledge our capability to be these chameleons and celebrate how unique it really is.

 

The Adoption Narrative

I can’t for the life of my find the right words. I’m overwhelmed, discouraged and disgusted. The adoption industry as a whole has turned human trafficking legal and turned children into one of the most profitable commodities. Like many other KADs, I know that the money that was paid for my adoption didn’t go to assist family supportive programs, or any other type of social service, instead it went to help rebuilding South Korea after the Korean war. To be frank, we were the nation’s hottest commodity and around 20 thousand or more per child, you can imagine the amount the country made on our behalf. Without thought of the future, Korea went as far as to try and erase our history and our past with the hope that we would never venture away from our newly found country and attempt to retrace our roots. Korea was wrong. Every month, every day, every summer KADs fly from all over the world to try and find their roots, to search for lost family members and put together pieces of a puzzle that never quite fit. We go back trying to be part of a culture that wanted us to move ahead and never look back, a culture that at times even rejects us now. We aren’t Korean by their standards and yet we try to fit into their world that we were never a part of or have forgotten. We can feel the stares when we are unable to speak Korean or when we do not know the social norms and customs. We are fully aware that we exist in two different worlds with one foot in each…and yet people still pay thousands of money each year to adopt a child from another country without knowing the impact it will have on the child.

We, as adoptees know all too well the affects that have haunted us. We are plagued daily with our own sense of abandonment, even with something as trivial as someone forgetting to call us back. We feel that sting each time. We know that eventually there will be questions that are unable to be answered or things we cannot explain. There will be things we may remember but do not know anything more than that. We will have to be reminded each time of our adoption when we go to the doctor and are asked about our family’s medical history. Each time in school we are reminded when a genetics project is assigned. We feel all those pains and those never really go away. We feel each impact that someone else made on our behalf as an infant or young child, taking us from a country we were born into and moving most of us half way across the world.

I have been fortunate enough to be on both sides of the equation. My daughter is adopted and I know that she will have questions. I know exactly what kinds of questions she is going to ask and the types of things she is going to feel. Even though she was adopted through foster care and our situations are not the same, I know there are some things I will be able help her through.

Now comes the uncomfortable part, the part where I can imagine that by all of these comments that I am somehow ungrateful that I was adopted or unappreciative of the life I was given. You’d be wrong if you think that, but I know that won’t stop you. You know who you are and your opinion of me will never change. I am not ungrateful in any way, shape or form, nor am I upset, bitter or even resentful that I was adopted. What I am saying is that adoptive parents don’t always know the impact that adoption has or will have. Even as babies, we are not clean slates. There have been numerous studies that show babies are able to identify their biological mother after they are born. Ripping them from that is traumatic whether you are able to admit it or not, there are plenty of studies that will confirm that it is traumatic for an infant to be separated from its mother.

The adoption narrative needs to change, how it needs to change isn’t something that I’ve been able to find a solution for yet. I know that there are millions of adoptee voices out there each with their own opinion on adoption and each with their own experience and story and they need to be heard. We are the experts. We are willing to sit down and have a conversation on what an adoptee means to us and how it has impacted who we are. The conversation only happens when people, mostly people who want to adopt and those who perpetuate the adoption commodity are willing to listen.

Appa Update

Back in December, I wrote about finding out the name of my birth father and where he currently resides in South Korea. Since then, that is where the information trail stops. I have attempted to contact my case worker through the organization I am using and the last I heard was that there was going to be an attempt to contact him. Since that last email, the staff has changed a little bit and it appears that I have slipped in between the cracks.

After four different emails sent to the general email inbox, my next attempt will be to call them in hopes to make contact with someone who speaks English and I can see the status of my case. My plan is still to return to visit this year, however, if I do not make it this spring, and it’s looking like that, I will probably wait until fall. I don’t have a desire to go during Korean summer with heat and humidity.

The longer time passes as I wait to hear from the organization, the more anxious I get about losing the little piece of information that I have. It’s crazy the emotional roller coaster that I have been put on even with just the case of having his name. I used to think that such information was enough, that I would only need to know a name that would satisfy my curiosity but it seems like that isn’t the case.

Now that there is known information, everything feels like it is within reach. I can sick to my stomach just thinking about the numerous possibilities. Before I knew any of this information, I had come to accept that to find him would be a near miracle…and now that it has completely proven me wrong I am curious now more than ever.

My plan is to call the organization in Korea in the next couple of weeks to see if there is someone who is still in contact with the people handling my case. I am hoping that there is at the very least something to report back so I can start planning my trip back to Seoul.

Here is a link to the bringing of my appa search. Nothing Short of a Christmas Miracle

 

Self Respect is NOT Selfish

I have debated weather or not to dive into the depths of this subject. If you are like me chances are that you have been called selfish on more than one occasion. Like me, from time to time you second guessed your decisions and motives wondering if you were in fact being selfish. There have been more than one instance where I have second guessed my decisions and motives.

It wasn’t until quite recently that I decided to really look into the difference between selfishness and self respect. There were some decisions that I made that appeared to be selfish in nature however that is not the case. Looking at the decision in question from several different angles led me to the conclusion that there is some part of it that was selfish in nature. I knew what consequences were bound to happen, however I continued with the decision nonetheless.

While the insults were being hurled in my direction, I decided to take a good hard look at the decision that I made. For years I have struggled with having a “us” or “we” mentality. My thoughts would always go to a collective thought verses an individual mindset, I would think about myself, my dreams and goals last and think about other people’s feelings first.

Selfless isn’t always a noble quality, by being selfless and not caring for ourselves we tend to be trampled on by people who are rightfully putting their feelings first. This has happened to me, I had always thought that setting my feelings aside and thinking about others first didn’t leave me the ability to respect myself or love myself enough to put my needs and goals first. Be doing so I was trampled on by others, I became agreeable and passive.

Once I began to love myself and see myself as an individual it was easy to start taking care of myself and putting my needs first. At first it was very weird, I was very uncomfortable because I kept second guessing myself and thought that I had become selfish. This however was not the case, the simple fact was that I had gained enough self-respect to be bold enough to chase my dreams.

While I know there will be times in my life that I will probably be selfish because like everyone else, I am not perfect, I also know that there is a difference between selfishness and self respect. It’s okay to put your own needs NOT wants first and it is okay to chase your dreams and to put your needs above the wants of others. Don’t forget that.

 

Always,

J

Feelings aren’t Facts.

The following are some phrases that I have heard throughout my life: “You should feel lucky…”, “Don’t be so sensitive…”, “You’ve got it all wrong…”, “You are the only one that feels that way…”, “You have a problem…”, “You shouldn’t let it bother you…”, “You make a big deal out of everything…”, “You take everything so personally…”. What do all these things have in common? They are all ways that we invalidate each other’s feelings. What happens when we invalidate each other? Invalidating someone else doesn’t just mean that we disagree with another but that it communicates to the person that their opinions and feelings are irrational, selfish, and wrong.

I am sure from time to time everyone has used some of these phrases, I know I am guilty of using them. Typically however when these words and/or phrases are not used when someone goes through something significant in their lives. It is in those times of emotional distress or struggles when these words can be the most hurtful. This does not mean that we cannot empathize with others but stating that someone’s feelings are incorrect is just as hurtful.

One of my favorite sayings that I have learned is that “feelings aren’t facts”. Let’s break this down. What does this mean? This means that even though we may feel a certain way that does not necessarily mean that those feelings are “correct”. Meaning that just because we feel something does not mean those feelings are facts.

For example, just because we may feel uneasy, scared, distrustful or apprehensive does not mean that we are right or wrong. Feelings are feelings, those are not facts and we should not let ourselves be fooled. What we feel is just that, feelings, those feelings do not lead us down a path to truth or fact, they just simply are. What we feel is neither good or bad, it is simply just how we are responding and what emotional response that stimulus produces. We are not understand that our feelings have overridden logic or common sense, but it is just how we are feeling based on the current circumstances.

These phrases, mentioned at the beginning of this post, are phrases in which those feelings are being invalidated. That those who are expressing those feelings are wrong or somehow incorrect. When those phrases are repeated over and over throughout someone life, it means that from an early age that person’s interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. The affect that this has on someone can be devastating.

It can kill someone’s confidence and has the potential to worsens psychological disorders and emotional problems. This can cause further feelings of self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy and create people-pleasers. We begin to second guess our emotions as if they are misleading us down a forbidden path. Our senses begin to mislead us and we begin to question ourselves as well as each emotion we have. The world around us is no longer something exciting but more like an entire experience to mislead and confuse us.

I have heard these words. I can remember second guessing my feelings and trying to figure out what feelings I should be feeling.  It wasn’t until I went through therapy that I started to realize that it wasn’t normal to be second guessing my feelings. My therapist always told me, feelings aren’t facts. There are still times that I remind myself, that although I may “feel” a certain way, that does not make things into facts. It has been quite helpful over the last four years.

Remember the next time you “feel” something that just because we may feel a certain way does not necessarily mean that those are the facts. Our feelings are just that, feelings, nothing more and nothing less. Try to take an objective view of the situation or person and see if your feelings match the facts OR that the facts are different than your feelings.

 

Always,

J